A while ago, I decided that this new year would be different. I decided that, for once, I would get to make the choices to do what I wanted to do. I decided that I would step up a bit more, say 'yes' more and be more positive and outgoing.
I have never been an extraverted person. Like many creative types, I've not had the best childhood, had a horrendous time at school, never had a lot of friends. I tend to be more shy that I should be, as I know I also tend to get on easily with people, make friends easily and I'm able to talk to new people and even whole crowds without batting an eye. I'm also very cautious with many people - my depressive side has meant I don't keep many friendships long and I don't suffer fools - which, I suppose, has also made me a little anxious.
I wasn't prepared for some of the problems that were shot my way over the last couple of years. I mean, sure, I expected some blow-back, but not the storm of hatred I got - and, apparently, still get.
It was only towards the end of my secondary school life where I began to be more confident. I made friends better and was out and about more. Part of me puts it down to running my own club and getting to make my own decisions, whilst another part says it's to do with getting my black belt in karate and passing the 5,000km swimming challenge and getting my gold life-saver merit, whilst another part says it's because I knew I was leaving the people I went to school with behind to meet an entirely new group at college.
After losing my job around 7 years after college I was brought back to rock bottom, mentally speaking. I decided I needed to do something constructive, as I know it's very easy to get pulled into a slump when you're on benefits.
I'd already had a small LARP game going, so I decided to expand a little - I was honestly turning it into a business, especially as I can make costumes as well.
It took me three years to get a new job. I'm not going to blame myself entirely for it - there's many factors involved besides me. I was happily joining onto the Work Scheme, attending training each week, doing over 12 hours of coursework a week in Accounting and applying for over 50 jobs a week, not including 20 cold calls per week. All this along with a least 30 hours of work per week on my LARP. Many people thought I was using LARP as an excuse not to work, or focusing too much on LARP.
- First, I was developing a business scheme, even if it was only small - that's definitely not getting out of work as anyone self-employed working for themselves will tell you.
- Second, people didn't see how much the slump affected me and my depression. I keep it hidden because I don't want to hurt people around me - but also because I've had people I thought were friends turn their back on me because I'm "making up excuses".
Needless to say that whilst my LARP was successful in many respects it was also a hindrance in others.
I have intended to start anew and rebuild myself - but I'm still finding a whole bunch of roadblocks - some not intended and some created by individuals that don't want to see me grow of progress - despite having nothing to do with their lives anymore, or at all. It's a shame that people have to be like this, but that's why I feel I need to say something.
It's also a way to get things off my chest, and I'll be telling some home truths that may well shock, offend and upset a number of people. I'm not looking for sympathy, and I'm not trying to defend myself or my actions. I am, however, trying to provide my story and it's up to my readers what they feel from there. But, at least then you'll be better informed.
